We recently asked married people in the BuzzFeed Community to share secrets about marriage they’d never say out loud. Here’s what they had to say:

1. “Taking intentional time apart. My husband makes himself scarce one night a week so I have time to myself to do whatever I want. He always goes away for a big ski trip with his friends. I think it’s important to have time apart and miss each other but also get away from each other. We plan to spend the rest of our lives together, and to do that we can’t always be together.”

—Krystal, Oregon

2. “You don’t have to change your last name.”

—daisyswierc

3. “Never quit dating each other. Very ill from cancer, he insisted on having dinner out for our 40th anniversary. It turned out to be the last time. Be thoughtful with little surprises. Be courteous, even in the tough times. It’s you and him against the world; not against each other. Be vulnerable. Let your significant other see your tears and tender heart. Keep your confidential conversations between the two of you. Most of all, if true love leads the way, everything else falls into place.”

—bluejester57

4. “It’s not the big things that drain you the most. It’s figuring out dinner every damn night.”

—BJ, California

5. “Love comes in waves and that’s how it goes during the long haul. Sometimes you have to brace yourself and ride out the low points. It takes a real commitment, but the highs outweigh the lows if you keep working at it. Still in love after 43 years!”

—silvercat673

6. “Marry your best friend!”

—Ray

7. “You’re not going to like your partner from time to time. You might not even think you love them, and this can last months. The drudgery of life, children, work, and stress can destroy your emotions, cause arguments, and make you forget why you’re even with this person in the first place. It happens, and it doesn’t mean the marriage is over. Be honest with yourself and your spouse, give each other some grace, and go to couples counseling if you need to.”

—anewfan2018

8. “Marriage is like climbing a mountain. When one of you starts to slip, the other grabs their hand and pulls them back up! Always be there for each other.”

—Anonymous, Omaha, Nebraska

9. “Remember that your partner is human and allowed to make (reasonable) mistakes. As their partner, they’re looking to you for support and love. No matter how pissed off you are, show grace. Who knows, one day you may make a mistake and need their support.”

—Anonymous, Arizona

10. “I’d say this out loud but it takes effort! You have to try every day to show that person you love them, speak their love language, communicate, be thoughtful and considerate, and be honest. If you go on auto-pilot, you’re going to have problems.”

—Leah, Colorado

11. “My husband doesn’t know…I can’t stand my in-laws. Why tell him? They are his parents and he loves and respects them deeply. I also want my children to have a close relationship with their grandparents. So, I treat them how I’d want my future son or daughter-in-law to treat me — welcoming, supportive, and loving. It’s a good one for my husband to never, ever know.”

—Anonymous, California

12. “Marriage is hard work. After being together for 30 years, with four kids and two grandkids, you need to relearn how to be yourself, no longer as a parent or grandparent. Learn new things keep yourself ‘alive,’ and learn how to thrive independently. You won’t always be a couple so learn how to be solo. Who knows, it might make you attractive and alluring to your partner again.”

—MomSedSo, Illinois

13. “Pick your battles. Don’t sweat the small things. Compromise on everything but don’t compromise your self-worth.”

—Tim, British Columbia, Canada

14. “You can do all the work on yourself and heal yourself alone. You can feel the best you’ve ever felt and then meet that one person and be on top of the world. Always make sure it’s someone willing to be there through the hard times. Someone willing to work on themselves, with you as a couple, and who also allows you to grow and change. The secret they don’t tell you is that there are only some things you can heal in a relationship. You’ll find this out when your chosen partner finds and pokes the most painful parts that still need to be healed. If you’ve chosen well, they will support and help you as you move through the final phase of your healing journey.”

—Anonymous, Kentucky

15. “If there’s a large age gap, make sure you can both relate to each others’ friends. My husband is 17 years older than I am. I didn’t realize how awkward it could be to mingle among folks his age or older, and him to mingle among my friends my age or younger. We might have a 25 to 30-year age gap between our friends and yes, we’re adults, but generationally there are times that we don’t all get each other. As a result, our friend circles have shrunk. And if you think making friends as an adult is hard, try finding a couple with a similar age gap.”

—Rachel O., California

16. “When you are married long enough and maintain an open, honest dialogue with your partner, you can discover some things in the bedroom that you never thought you would enjoy. Over the years, my wife and I have gotten wilder and wilder with the things we would like to try in bed. It’s the kind of stuff you would never tell a girlfriend or boyfriend of no significant time, the kind of things that you are afraid to be judged over. So, the sex does not always die in marriage. Stay honest and open with each other, and it can get incredible to a level you never expected.”

—Antonio, Florida

17. “Respect is possibly more important than love. But, you can’t learn or fake respect, so if you don’t have it for each other, just don’t get married. Fighting (defined as saying something to hurt the other person) is stupid. Disagree like mature adults and talk it out. If you think someone has to ‘win’ you aren’t ready for marriage. You don’t have to share everything just because you are married. It’s OK to have separate blankets, toothpastes, etc.”

—Luke, Texas

18. “Wait! Wait until you’re at least 30. I say that because you’ll be established. Not just financially, but also spiritually, mentally, and politically. You change so much in your 20s that you don’t become who you are until 30. I love my husband. We’ve been together since high school. We got married when we were 23 and 24. Who we were then is not who we are now. It can be so, so hard and very conflicting at times. If I had this advice, I honestly would’ve waited.”

—Mrs. T, Maryland

19. “There might be times you aren’t ‘in love’ with your spouse, and that’s OK. Remember why you chose to be together, keep making that choice, and it comes back better and stronger.”

—Anonymous