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19 secrets and confessions about marriage that married people would never say out loud

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We recently asked married people in the BuzzFeed Community to share secrets about marriage they’d never say out loud. Here’s what they had to say:

1. “Taking intentional time apart. My husband makes himself scarce one night a week so I have time to myself to do whatever I want. He always goes away for a big ski trip with his friends. I think it’s important to have time apart and miss each other but also get away from each other. We plan to spend the rest of our lives together, and to do that we can’t always be together.”

—Krystal, Oregon

2. “You don’t have to change your last name.”

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—daisyswierc

3. “Never quit dating each other. Very ill from cancer, he insisted on having dinner out for our 40th anniversary. It turned out to be the last time. Be thoughtful with little surprises. Be courteous, even in the tough times. It’s you and him against the world; not against each other. Be vulnerable. Let your significant other see your tears and tender heart. Keep your confidential conversations between the two of you. Most of all, if true love leads the way, everything else falls into place.”

—bluejester57

4. “It’s not the big things that drain you the most. It’s figuring out dinner every damn night.”

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—BJ, California

5. “Love comes in waves and that’s how it goes during the long haul. Sometimes you have to brace yourself and ride out the low points. It takes a real commitment, but the highs outweigh the lows if you keep working at it. Still in love after 43 years!”

—silvercat673

6. “Marry your best friend!”

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—Ray

7. “You’re not going to like your partner from time to time. You might not even think you love them, and this can last months. The drudgery of life, children, work, and stress can destroy your emotions, cause arguments, and make you forget why you’re even with this person in the first place. It happens, and it doesn’t mean the marriage is over. Be honest with yourself and your spouse, give each other some grace, and go to couples counseling if you need to.”

—anewfan2018

8. “Marriage is like climbing a mountain. When one of you starts to slip, the other grabs their hand and pulls them back up! Always be there for each other.”

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—Anonymous, Omaha, Nebraska

9. “Remember that your partner is human and allowed to make (reasonable) mistakes. As their partner, they’re looking to you for support and love. No matter how pissed off you are, show grace. Who knows, one day you may make a mistake and need their support.”

—Anonymous, Arizona

10. “I’d say this out loud but it takes effort! You have to try every day to show that person you love them, speak their love language, communicate, be thoughtful and considerate, and be honest. If you go on auto-pilot, you’re going to have problems.”

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—Leah, Colorado

11. “My husband doesn’t know…I can’t stand my in-laws. Why tell him? They are his parents and he loves and respects them deeply. I also want my children to have a close relationship with their grandparents. So, I treat them how I’d want my future son or daughter-in-law to treat me — welcoming, supportive, and loving. It’s a good one for my husband to never, ever know.”

—Anonymous, California

12. “Marriage is hard work. After being together for 30 years, with four kids and two grandkids, you need to relearn how to be yourself, no longer as a parent or grandparent. Learn new things keep yourself ‘alive,’ and learn how to thrive independently. You won’t always be a couple so learn how to be solo. Who knows, it might make you attractive and alluring to your partner again.”

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—MomSedSo, Illinois

13. “Pick your battles. Don’t sweat the small things. Compromise on everything but don’t compromise your self-worth.”

—Tim, British Columbia, Canada

14. “You can do all the work on yourself and heal yourself alone. You can feel the best you’ve ever felt and then meet that one person and be on top of the world. Always make sure it’s someone willing to be there through the hard times. Someone willing to work on themselves, with you as a couple, and who also allows you to grow and change. The secret they don’t tell you is that there are only some things you can heal in a relationship. You’ll find this out when your chosen partner finds and pokes the most painful parts that still need to be healed. If you’ve chosen well, they will support and help you as you move through the final phase of your healing journey.”

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—Anonymous, Kentucky

15. “If there’s a large age gap, make sure you can both relate to each others’ friends. My husband is 17 years older than I am. I didn’t realize how awkward it could be to mingle among folks his age or older, and him to mingle among my friends my age or younger. We might have a 25 to 30-year age gap between our friends and yes, we’re adults, but generationally there are times that we don’t all get each other. As a result, our friend circles have shrunk. And if you think making friends as an adult is hard, try finding a couple with a similar age gap.”

—Rachel O., California

16. “When you are married long enough and maintain an open, honest dialogue with your partner, you can discover some things in the bedroom that you never thought you would enjoy. Over the years, my wife and I have gotten wilder and wilder with the things we would like to try in bed. It’s the kind of stuff you would never tell a girlfriend or boyfriend of no significant time, the kind of things that you are afraid to be judged over. So, the sex does not always die in marriage. Stay honest and open with each other, and it can get incredible to a level you never expected.”

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—Antonio, Florida

17. “Respect is possibly more important than love. But, you can’t learn or fake respect, so if you don’t have it for each other, just don’t get married. Fighting (defined as saying something to hurt the other person) is stupid. Disagree like mature adults and talk it out. If you think someone has to ‘win’ you aren’t ready for marriage. You don’t have to share everything just because you are married. It’s OK to have separate blankets, toothpastes, etc.”

—Luke, Texas

18. “Wait! Wait until you’re at least 30. I say that because you’ll be established. Not just financially, but also spiritually, mentally, and politically. You change so much in your 20s that you don’t become who you are until 30. I love my husband. We’ve been together since high school. We got married when we were 23 and 24. Who we were then is not who we are now. It can be so, so hard and very conflicting at times. If I had this advice, I honestly would’ve waited.”

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—Mrs. T, Maryland

19. “There might be times you aren’t ‘in love’ with your spouse, and that’s OK. Remember why you chose to be together, keep making that choice, and it comes back better and stronger.”

—Anonymous

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Relationship

Man in tears after wife leaves him for a foreigner in Europe

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A Nigerian man has taken to social media, sharing an emotional story about how he brought his wife to Europe after spending significant money on processing her visa and other related expenses, only for her to leave him for a foreigner.

In a video that is currently trending on X, formerly known as Twitter, the man is seen in tears, urging men not to bring their wives from Nigeria to Europe, citing his experience as a warning.

He explains how his wife left him to pursue a relationship with a foreigner after all his sacrifices.

He advised men to marry women who are already living abroad rather than returning to Nigeria to marry, emphasizing that many women only seek marriage as a way to escape poverty.

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In the video, he pleads with men, using his own situation as an example.

Part of his statement reads: “Men in Europe, I beg you, find a woman there. Find an African woman abroad and marry her.”

“If you go to Nigeria to marry and bring her abroad, many of these women don’t have the intention to stay with you. They just want to escape from poverty.”

The full video is attached to this article, where viewers can hear his message in full.

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Meanwhile, concerned individuals have flooded the comment section, sharing their thoughts on his predicament.

See some reactions below:

@wedowhatwedo5: “Sad for him, same happens for men. That’s why a lot of men marry foreign women just to Japa. I pray we Don’t marry the wrong person.”

@TheCEO_Boss: “Konji de hol am. He should just go and carry ashawo, the thing hard? Abi he is a good husband. Anyway I feel for him because this sending of pictures, sending br3ast through pictures is not easy. Me personally I can’t date someone from another state talk more different country.”

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@Gcity_Media: “These stories are heartbreaking. Except the person absolutely deserves it, we should try to be kind to people.”

@beneelohim7: “I heard from a conductor at Oshodi that the real reason for traffic in Lagos is because the spirits of old Okadas are holding a secret meeting at Third Mainland Bridge.”

@OlayiwolaTeajay: “Many people left the message and focused on the messenger, Una go learn one way or the other.”

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Shock as man discovers pastor who officiated his wedding is the father of his two children

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In a surprising turn of events, a pastor from the End Time Messages church in Chiredzi has been mandated to pay child support after DNA tests confirmed he fathered two children with the woman whose wedding he conducted.

The marriage of Eunice Mururi and Farai Hatirarami crumbled after it was confirmed that Hatirarami is not the biological father of the children Fatai had believed were his.

Mururi recently took Pastor Vhetu to Chiredzi Magistrate Court, seeking US$700 in monthly child maintenance for her two children, aged 8 and 4.

In a surprising turn of events, Pastor Vhetu admitted in court to fathering the children but pleaded for a lower maintenance payment.

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He argued that his income as a pastor comes primarily from tithes and offerings, often in the form of food hampers rather than cash.

Represented by Farai Chauke of F. Chauke and Associates, Vhetu claimed that he had no regular salary and could only afford 150 ZiG per child as maintenance.

Aside from his pastoral duties, Vhetu revealed that he is also a farmer and already has eight other children to support. He informed the court that he has no bank account, only an EcoCash account, and pledged to cover the children’s school uniforms and fees.

However, he controversially suggested that new clothes should only be bought in June or December, sarcastically stating, “only Elon Musk’s children receive new clothes every month.”

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Magistrate Diana Musiiwa was unimpressed by Vhetu’s arguments, calling his offer “insincere” and ruling that he must pay US$175 per month for both children.

The case has left the community stunned, with many shocked by the pastor’s actions and the collapse of the marriage he once officiated.

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Men facing financial difficulty risk premature ejaculation, say urologists

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Urologists have identified financial difficulty as one of the factors that could predispose men to risk of having premature ejaculation during sex.

Premature ejaculation occurs when a man has an orgasm and ejaculates earlier during intercourse than he or his partner would like.

Experts say premature ejaculation is a common problem that affects 30 percent to 40 percent of men.

According to the specialists, the stress and anxiety triggered by financial struggles could significantly impact sexual performance.

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Speaking with PUNCH Healthwise, the physicians explained that financial stress could lead to anxiety, depression, and poor lifestyle habits, all of which have been linked to premature ejaculation.

According to a health website, Mayo Clinic, premature ejaculation occurs in men when semen leaves the body (ejaculates) sooner than wanted during sex.

While identifying early sexual experiences, sexual abuse, depression, and guilty feelings as some of the causes of premature ejaculation, the clinic added that erectile dysfunction, anxiety, and relationship problems are also some other factors responsible.

Speaking further on how financial struggles which many Nigerians are going through could affect their sexual performance; the urologists said this could worsen existing health conditions, making individuals more susceptible to premature ejaculation.

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According to them, when men are under financial pressure, they often neglect their physical and mental health. This neglect, they noted, could manifest in various ways, including sexual dysfunction.

An urologist at the Federal Medical Centre, Abeokuta, Ogun State, Dr. Olaitan Adeyemi stated that economic hardship might lead to unhealthy coping mechanisms, such as excessive alcohol consumption or smoking.

These poor lifestyle habits, he stressed, might worsen other existing factors that could lead to premature ejaculation.

According to Adeyemi, premature ejaculation is a complex condition requiring a multifaceted approach.

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He explained that medical factors, such as neurological disorders, hormonal imbalances, and prostate issues, could contribute to premature ejaculation.

He, however, noted that social factors, including stress, anxiety, and relationship dynamics, also play a significant role.

He stated that economic hardship could worsen premature ejaculation symptoms, adding that increased stress and anxiety affect men’s sexual performance.

“Financial struggles can lead to increased stress levels, which can negatively impact sexual performance. Economic instability can have far-reaching consequences on mental and physical well-being,” the specialist noted.

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While stressing that economic hardship could affect men of all ages and backgrounds, the physician said premature ejaculation was not exclusive to any particular demographic.

He, however, noted that men in lower socioeconomic brackets may be more vulnerable due to limited access to healthcare and increased stress levels.

Adeyemi said family history, early sexual experiences, and traumatic events could predispose individuals to premature ejaculation.

He added that mental health conditions, such as depression and anxiety, also increase the risk.

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When asked if men with premature ejaculation could father a child, the physician explained that premature ejaculation had the potential to reduce the chances of successful conception and increase stress and anxiety, which might lead to erectile dysfunction.

He further said, “Premature ejaculation can have a profound impact on fertility, particularly by reducing the chances of successful conception. Moreover, the stress and anxiety that often accompany PE can potentially lead to erectile dysfunction, further complicating fertility issues.”

“However, you need to take note that premature ejaculation does not directly cause impotence. While impotence, also known as erectile dysfunction, and premature ejaculation can coexist, they are distinct conditions that require separate attention and treatment.

“Understanding the interplay between premature ejaculation, fertility, and erectile dysfunction is important for men struggling with these issues. By addressing the underlying causes and seeking proper treatment, individuals can mitigate the effects of premature ejaculation on fertility and improve their overall sexual health.”

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The urologist urged men experiencing premature ejaculation symptoms to seek medical attention, stressing that early treatment could improve quality of life.

He added, “Recognisable symptoms that necessitate medical attention include persistent or recurrent premature ejaculation, difficulty controlling ejaculation, painful ejaculation, and blood in semen or urine.”

On his part, a Consultant Urologist, Dr. Taiwo Alabi, said healthy living and avoidance of smoking could help to improve a man’s sexual performance or libido.

He noted that the stop-start technique, which requires a man to stop sexual stimulation and return to it again after the sensation had passed, could likewise help to delay ejaculation.

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Alabi said premature ejaculation happens when a man had an orgasm and releases semen within one minute of penetration, and is unable to control ejaculation during sexual intercourse.

He said, “Premature ejaculation is hinged on three components. First, the time that is considered as a cut-off is one minute. Anybody who ejaculates less than a minute from the time of ‘Intravaginal Ejaculation Latency Time’ has premature ejaculation.

“IELT means the time a man has an erection and penetrates the vagina of the woman to the time he releases. What is generally considered acceptable IELT ranges from about three to seven minutes, and what is considered a cut-off is one minute.”

The urologist continued, “The second component is its psychological impact. Premature ejaculation has a negative psychological effect on either the man, the partner or both of them, and the kind of effect it has on them might range from depression to withdrawal from sex and to loss of self-confidence. For some people, it can be that they are anxious each time they want to have intercourse.

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“The third component is loss of control. Normal ejaculation is described in terms of control. When a man is having intercourse and is thrusting back and forth, there’s a time he will have intense pleasure, and he should be able to control his ejaculation. So, those three things are the components of premature ejaculation.”

“However, to improve your sexual performance, the first thing is to live healthily. If you live healthily, eat fruits, and vegetables and reduce your weight, you will be able to avert the risk factors,” Alabi advised.

Credit: PUNCH

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